May 9, 2009

#027: "I say deliver me from Swedish furniture!"

The other day my wife found a blog. This blogger created a post that was a tour of her living room, and invited everyone else to create a similar post and link to it from her post. There were like 400 women who linked to pictures of their living rooms. I couldn't resist clicking on some of them. Then once I had started I couldn't freaking stop. I was overcome with this very strange feeling. Every time I clicked on a link I saw more and more pictures of these rooms filled with meaningless shit, knick-knacks cluttering living rooms all over the country. These women actually went to a store and gave away money in order to obtain these "cute" decorative vases, pictures, figurines, etc... And not just a couple things... tons of it. It was everywhere. They looked at a magazine picture and bought all that stuff for their own house. How is this creative? Then, they felt so proud of what they had done they posted pictures of it, so other women could comment about how "cute" it all was. After awhile of looking at these pictures I started to feel sick. I wanted to collect all of my own crap and burn it in a pile in the back yard. I wanted to eliminate everything from my life that wasn't necessary for me to continue breathing. This feeling that was coming over me seemed vaguely familiar. I can remember feeling this way at a younger age. Then it hit me... You are not your job. You are not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your f***king khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. Yes, that is Fight Club and it is one of my all-time favorite movies. I haven't seen it for several years, and judging by all the kitschy decor in my house, I need to watch it ASAP. I am not saying we all need to live our lives with nothing... but we could all probably get along with a little less. Here are some applicable quotes from one of my favorite movies...

Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvet is?
Narrator: It's a comforter...
Tyler Durden: It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?
Narrator: ...Consumers?
Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We're the bi-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.
Narrator: Martha Stewart.
Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns.

Narrator: It's just, when you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that's it. That's the last sofa I'm gonna need. Whatever else happens, I've got that sofa problem handled.

Narrator: Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life, okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place. That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed, it was ME!

Narrator: Was it ticking?
Airport Security Officer: Actually throwers don't worry about ticking 'cause modern bombs don't tick.
Narrator: Sorry, throwers?
Airport Security Officer: Baggage handlers. But, when a suitcase vibrates, then the throwers gotta call the police.
Narrator: My suitcase was vibrating?
Airport Security Officer: Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while...
Airport Security Officer: it's a dildo. Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
Narrator: I don't own...

Tyler Durden: Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

Tyler Durden: I say let me never be complete. I say let me never be content. I say deliver me from Swedish furniture. I say deliver me from clever art. I say deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth. I say you have to give up. I say evolve and let the chips fall where they may.

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